Til Death Season 01 Episode 02
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smell that meat.
How is thisnot a cologne?
What-- what's happening here?
I'm grilling the corn.I read it's supposedto taste better.Slide your steaks over.
I'm not moving my meatfor a vegetable.
Move your corn,lady.
You move it.
Oh,I will.
I'm getting my tongs.
Unpleasant.
Ooh,sorry.
We were just playinga little frisbeebefore dinner.
Well,we didn't meanto interrupt. I'll see you tomorrow fora car pool,right,eddie?
Ok,man.
Thank you so muchfor having us.
No problem
Excuse me. Hold on.
What the hellis going on? I'm gone for 2 seconds,and I come out,
and woodcock'sbreathing on my meat?
I invited them over.They were staringat the grill. I didn't knowwhat to do.
Well,this is notcompany meat,ok?
The is the private stufffrom the catalog.
Ok. All right,thank you.
H-hold on.What are-- what are you doing there,chief?
Uh,sitting.
Ok,we don't sitin these chairs,ok? They're old.
You have to ease,all right?
Oh,my gosh. Are you ok?
Aw,my chair.
Thank you,steph. I'm fine.
All right,this is...
this isthe better one here.
Nobody says a word.
You know,I could go get somefolding chairs.
Thank you,jeff. Eddie,help him.
Well,the good newsis now you can getnew patio furniture.
Yay.
What? Won't that be fun?
I hate shoppingwith eddie.
Oh,'cause he'sreally annoying?
- Yeah,but you're notallowed to say that. - Sorry.
You know,he just-- he makes buying anythingjust this huge, drawn-out process.
He has to doall this research, and then he hasall these opinions.
He goes intothe chat rooms, gets blockedfrom the chat rooms.
Yeah,shopping with jeffcan be real pain,too.
That's why whenever I wantsomething for the house,I...
what?
Just there's a wayto make it easier.
- What? What way? - Well...
I tell jeff if helets me buy whateverI want,
sight unseen,I'll make itworth his while.
What do you meanmake it worth his while? What,do yourub his feetor something?
Mm-hmm. And other parts.
I get kind of freaky.
Are youtelling me that youtrade sex for furniture?
No.
Oh. I guess I am.
That is...
is brilliant.
Hey,what'd you just doto the television?
I turned it off.
That is an optionin some homes.
Listen,I have beenout shopping forpatio furniture,
and I found somethingthat I like.
Ok,whoa,whoa,whoa,whoa. Slow down,lady,ok?
Th-there's a lotto consider.
You got your aluminum,your wrought iron,
- y-your premium teak. - I know,I know.
It isa complicated issue. Here is a wayto make it simple.
If you let mebuy the furniturethat I want, sight unseen,
no questions asked, I will have sex with youright now.
Say again.
You heard me. Patio furniturefor sex.
Daytime sex.
In the day.
That is why it'scalled daytime sex.
Well,you realizeit'll be light out. I'll be able to see you.
- Yes. - And you'llbe able to see me.
I will see you. You will see me.
It'll be like we'redoin' it together.
Interesting.
This is a,uh,highly unorthodox offer.
Where would thissex in the day happen?
Gentleman's choice.
- On the couch? - The couch it is.
No,wait,wait. I'm not committing.
Not committingto the couch yet.
Stairs.
Wherever your trick kneeallows.
- Keep in mindwe eat there. - Ok.
So let's say we'regonna have the,uh... daytime sexon the couch.
What kind of sexare we talking about?
Oh,anything you want.
That we've done.
Including the thingin mexico?
You feelyou're up to it?
I don't even have tobrush my teeth? I just ate a hoagie.
Ok,fine.
I'll have the daytime sexon the couch, despite the hoagie.
Wow.
How bad is thispatio furniture?
You see,that is the thing.
You don't get to hearanything about the furniture.
You have to agreeto my choice sight unseen,
and I am all yoursright here,right now.
How 'bout it,cowboy?
Pass.
D-did you justsay,"pass"?
I did.
To sex?
That is correcT.
Ok,wait. Just to make thisincredibly clear,
you just chosepatio furnitureover sex with me.
I've had sex with you. I know what it's about.
You say,"oh,"I say,"oh," then you run into the bathroom,
and I try to findmy socks in the bed.
But patio furniture,that--
I cannot believe this.
I mean, I havegot some good stuffgoing on here.
My body isa freakin' wonderland.
When dide get toa point in our marriagewhere I--
i couldn'thave patio furniturefor sex?
When did they cancelknight rider?
I haven't had itsince K.I.T.T.,The talking car?
You are an ass.
Hey,look,I was just sitting here, minding my own business,
having some lovelycheese doodles, and all of a sudden,
you're forcing meto pick betweenpatio furnitureand your bouncy house.
I didn'trealize it would besuch a tough choice.
You see? That's what happenswhen the tv's off!
Enough withthe humming,woodcock. Either sing itor shut up.
Sorry.
how loud do you breathe?
You're like a foghorn.
I can't stopbreathing,eddie.
Well,we gottacome up with something, because this is brutal.
What is with you? You've beenin a bad mood all day.
I have not.
You made the lunch lady cry.
It's calledchicken a la king, not chickena la band-aid.
She should havegloved up.
Fine.I'm mistaken. You are a littleray of sunshine.
Joy and I got intothis fight yesterday.
She came homewith this crazy ideathat we should tradepatio furniture for sex.
Really?
What,like if youagree to the furniturewithout looking at it,she'll make it"worth your while"?
Yeah. How'd you know?
Steph and I,we do the same thing.
So my wife got the ideafrom your wife.
Heh. I bet she did.
Get out.
- What? - Get out of my car.
We're still moving.
I don't care.I don't want youor your wifeor your"get your freak on"
furniture selvesanywhere near me.
Would you calm down? It's just a game.
- It's a sweet,wonderful game. - No,no.
Uno isa eet,wonderful game. This is prostitution.
- What? - That's right.You heard me.
Your wife isa furniture hooker.
She may not be walkingthe docks in high heels,
tryingto drum up businessduring fleet week,
but the effectis the same.
No,it is not.
Look,you're young. You may not realize ityet,ok?
But you are tradinga moment of pleasurefor a lifetimeof furniture that youhad no say in.
Well,that's not a problem,
because there is nothing that she picked outthat I would nothave bought myself.
Oh,really?
So the berry farm'sout back?
You don't need a farmto have a berry sign. It's called folk art.
Folk art.
Shame on you.
What the hell is that?
It's a gardening bench witha distressed-patina finish.
Oh,my god.
Ok,all right,all right,well, that one slipped by me,
but I'm ok witheverything else in here.
Like this chair. Steph got this chairhere especially for me.
It's very masculine. She calls ity throne.
Looks like a shell.
No,it doesn'T. Hey,manly chairscan be scalloped.
I can't imagine the horrorthat's happeningin your bedroom.
Oh,my god.
Well,could be worse.
Could have a shelfof dolls on the wall.
You got one of thosesomewhere,don't you?
They're first ladies. They're nottechnically dolls.
You know,you don't haveto enjoy this so much.
Sorry.
Well,look,at leastyou still have this, the big,uglyman dresser.
Yeah. Yeah,she callsthat "fine for now."
- She's been wantinga new one. - Oh,I bet she has.
All right,now listento me,woodcock. This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna stand your ground.
The next time your wifetries to seduce you
into trading your joeysfor a pair of antique sconces,
you're gonna say no.
I gotta go.
The smell of potpourriis making me nauseous.
Guess what,joy.
Your sicklittle neighborhoodsex trade is over.
I just spoketo woodcock,and he--
- joy! - Out here!
What did you do,woman?
I bought patio furniture.
But you just can'tbuy furniture.
Actually,you can.
And turns outif you don't havean annoying giant with you,
it only takesabout 15 minutes.
But I didn'ttake the sex.
Bet you're regretting thatabout now,huh?
Joy,i had ideas.
I have wood samplesand fabric swatches.
Did you know thatrelax the back
and nassauare working togetheron a smart foam?
No,you didn't know. You know why?
Because you don'tdo the research.
You just can't changehow we make decisions.
Yeah?
Well,a lotof things change. You used to wantto have sex with me.
Then americafalls out of lovewith knight rider, and it'sa different world.
Now I pickthe furniture.
It doesn't even glide.
You know I like to glide.
This is why we hada shopping protocol,
because you deliberately, deliberately seek outthings that I hate,
and I will hate this furniturefor the rest of my life.
All right.
Well,I guess I'lltake my daytime sex noW.
It's almost dusk. Let's,uh,get it going.
Oh,I'm afraid that offeris no longer on the table.
Or the couch.
W-wait a minute. So youget the furniture,and I get nothing?
Pretty much,yeah.
Fine.
I'll do it myself.
there's myhandsome husband.
Yeah. Here I amin mscalloped chair.
So on my way backfrom the library, I dropped offyour dry cleaning,
and guess what I sawin the store next door.
A new dresser?
Oh,yeah.
Does it have a patinshh.
No more talking.
It's on.
Wait,wait.Wait. Stop.
- What's wrong? - I--I can't do this.
But you lovedoing this.
Guh. But it's wrong.
No,it's not.
I'm tid of livingin a berry pch.
- What? - Yeah.
Look,a-and I'mtired of your basketsand your dried flowers
and your cratesfrom the french bakeries,
and I cannot standall that girly crapin the bathroom.
I washed my handsfor 15 minutesbefore I realizedI was rubbing a candle.
A man lives here,a manly manwho drinks beerand guts fish and...
throws boomerangs. Enough!
Stop trying to seduce me,you furniture hooker.
Did you justcall me a hooker?
Yello.
Forget what I said. They can go out and buythe furniture anyway.
She found a new dresser,and I stood my ground.
There is no ground. Abort mission.
Take the sex beforeit's too late.
Hey there,bunny.
Bet you're feelin'pretty good,aren't you?
Yep.
Pretty smug on yourfrilly wrought iron.
I'm ridin'a nice buzz,yh.
Well,you can ride itstraight to hell.
Because whatouhave done today hasn'tjust ruined our patio,
which incidentallylooks like it's ownedby a gay man in palm springs.
But you also ruined sex.
That's right.You took somethingthat we did together,
that was beautiful,though infrequent...
and you made ita commodity,
something to trade,something dirty.
And not the good dirty,like we had in mexico.
- Hi. - Hello.
- What you readin'? - A book.
What are you after now,a new set of stemware?
Come on,eddie.
Fine.
Do your businessand then hit ikea.
I'll justshut off inside.
Come on. I'm sorry,really.
I mean,steph justtold me about the wholesex-for-furniture thing,
and I thought that it waskind of a fun way ofgetting what I want.
But I realizewe're not them.
I mean,it would have workedfor us 20 years ago.
Right?
You kidding?
Back then,I would've let youfurnish the entire house just to watch youwalk out of the room.
You got a great onion.
I mean,with jeff and steph,it's all so magicaland undiscovered,and--
and for us,I've...
I've seen youmove a rug naked.
Well,technically I didhave flip-flops on.
Anyway...
I would really liketo keep the furniture.
But listen,instead of sex, I would like tooffer you something else,
something that I thinkactually might arouse you
mail-order beef?
I'm giving you 25 poundsof whatever you want.
Even if it'sdry,aged kobe beefin its own commemorativechuck wagon?
- Done. - O-ok,wait,wait.
I'm not committingto the chuck wagon. Ooh.
The words"bacon wrapped" justcaught my attention.
Oh. Chops.
I am so turned onto you right now.
- I love you,too. - No,no.Leave the catalog open.
Hey,neighbor.
So,uh,got to keepmy dresser. Yep.
I mean,you know,steph pointed outthat it didn't reallygo with anything elsethat we had,
so shepainted it white anddistressed it a bit,
and added someantique crystal pulls,but still...
a win's a win. You know whatI'm saying.
Let me addressthe giant elephantin the room.
All this meatis for me.
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Til Death Season 01 Episode 01